Introduction – The Hidden Battle in Your Brain
We’ve all been there. Your friend doesn’t reply to your text, and instantly, your mind races: “Are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong?” Meanwhile, they were just stuck in a meeting.
This is the assumption trap—our brain’s lazy shortcut that often leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, and missed connections. On the flip side, admiration—the act of consciously recognizing the good in others—can transform relationships, boost mental well-being, and even rewire your brain for positivity.
Why does this matter?
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Assumptions are automatic; admiration is intentional.
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Research shows assumptions trigger stress hormones, while admiration releases oxytocin (the “bonding chemical”).
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Whether in relationships, work, or self-reflection, the choice between these two mindsets shapes your reality.
In this article, we’ll break down the key differences between admiration and assumption, share real-life examples, and give you practical tools to shift your mindset. By the end, you’ll see how a simple pause—replacing “Why would they…?” with “What if I admired instead?”—can change everything.
What Are Admiration and Assumption?
Admiration: The Art of Seeing the Best in Others
Admiration isn’t just praise; it’s active curiosity. When you admire someone, you:
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Notice their strengths (“I love how patient they are”).
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Seek to understand their actions (“They must’ve worked hard for this”).
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Feel inspired rather than jealous.
Psychologists link admiration to higher empathy and life satisfaction. It’s a skill—one that strengthens with practice.
Assumption: The Mental Shortcut That Often Backfires
Assumptions are our brain’s way of saving energy. Instead of gathering facts, we fill in gaps with biases or past experiences. For example:
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“They’re late because they’re irresponsible” (vs. “Maybe traffic was bad”).
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“My boss didn’t acknowledge me—they must dislike my work.”
While sometimes harmless, assumptions frequently create conflict and limit our perspective.
Key Difference:
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Admiration expands understanding (“Tell me more about how you did that!”).
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Assumption contracts it (“I already know what they’re thinking”).
Up next: We’ll explore how these mindsets play out in relationships—and why one builds trust while the other erodes it.
Key Differences Between Admiration and Assumption
1. Intentionality: Active vs. Passive Thinking
Admiration requires conscious effort—you deliberately choose to look for the good. It’s like turning on a flashlight in a dark room. Assumptions, on the other hand, are mental autopilot. They happen without permission, like pop-up ads in your brain.
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Admiration in action: “I wonder what challenges they overcame to get here?”
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Assumption in action: “They probably had it easy.”
Why it matters:
Active thinking builds deeper connections; passive thinking keeps you stuck in stereotypes.
2. Impact on Relationships: Trust vs. Suspicion
Imagine two scenarios:
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Assumption route: Your partner seems distant. You think, “They’re losing interest,” and withdraw.
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Admiration route: You think, “They might be stressed about work—I’ll ask how they’re doing.”
Studies show that couples who default to admiration report higher satisfaction because it:
✔️ Reduces conflict
✔️ Encourages open communication
✔️ Fosters emotional safety
Assumptions, meanwhile, breed misunderstandings and self-fulfilling prophecies.
3. Neurological Effects: Oxytocin vs. Cortisol
Here’s where it gets scientific:
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Admiration triggers oxytocin, the “bonding hormone” linked to warmth and connection (fun fact: it’s the same chemical released during hugs!).
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Assumptions spike cortisol, the stress hormone that leaves you feeling defensive or anxious.
Real-world tip:
Next time you catch yourself assuming, pause and ask: “Could I admire instead?” Even small shifts can rewire your brain over time.
Up next: We’ll look at real-life examples—from marriage fights to workplace dynamics—where this plays out.
Real-Life Examples
In Relationships: How Assumptions Cause Fights
The scenario: Emma texts her boyfriend, “We need to talk.” He assumes the worst (“She’s going to break up with me”), so he responds coldly. Emma, confused by his tone, thinks “He doesn’t care,” and the spiral begins.
What admiration could’ve done:
If he’d thought, “Maybe she’s excited about something,” his response might’ve been open and curious—avoiding the conflict altogether.
At Work: Why Leaders Who Admire Outperform
Google’s Project Aristotle found that top teams thrive on psychological safety—where people feel valued, not judged.
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Assumption culture: “They didn’t speak up in the meeting—must not have ideas.”
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Admiration culture: “Let’s ask for their input; they might have a fresh perspective.”
The result? Teams that assume less innovate more.
Coming next: Practical steps to shift from assumption to admiration in your daily life.
How to Shift from Assumption to Admiration
Step 1: Pause and Question Your Thoughts
When you notice an assumption (e.g., “They ignored me on purpose”), STOP and ask:
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“What’s another possible explanation?”
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“What would I admire about this person/situation?”
Step 2: Practice Active Curiosity
Replace assumptions with questions:
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Instead of: “They’re so arrogant.”
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Try: “I wonder what experiences shaped their confidence?”
Step 3: The ‘5-Second Admiration Rule’
When meeting someone, spend 5 seconds looking for something to admire—their patience, style, or how they make others laugh. This sets a positive tone.
Try this today:
Keep an “Admiration Journal” for one week. Write down 1 assumption you flipped into admiration each day.
Conclusion
Recap:
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Assumptions are easy but divisive; admiration takes effort but builds bridges.
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Your brain can change—every time you choose admiration, you strengthen that neural pathway.
Your Challenge:
Pick one relationship (partner, coworker, friend) and practice replacing assumptions with admiration for 3 days. Notice the shift.
Join the conversation:
Comment below with your experiences—when has admiration saved you from an assumption trap?
“Download our free 30-Day Assumption Detox Guide“)
[Harvard’s research on oxytocin and social bonding])
1. Why do we naturally default to assumptions?
Our brains are wired for efficiency—assumptions save mental energy by relying on past experiences or stereotypes. However, this often leads to errors in judgment. Admiration, while more effortful, fosters deeper connections and reduces conflict.
2. Can admiration be toxic or unrealistic?
Yes, if it becomes blind praise or ignores red flags. Healthy admiration is balanced—it acknowledges strengths while staying grounded in reality. For example:
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Unhealthy: “They can do no wrong!”
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Healthy: “I admire their resilience, but I also notice areas for growth.”
3. How do I stop assuming the worst in people?
Try the “3-Question Challenge”:
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“What’s the evidence for my assumption?”
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“What’s a kinder interpretation?”
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“How would I feel if someone assumed this about me?”
4. What if my assumptions are often right?
Even accurate assumptions can limit your perspective. For example, assuming a quiet coworker is shy might make you overlook their insightful contributions. Curiosity opens doors; assumptions close them.
5. How can I encourage others to admire instead of assume?
Model it first:
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Praise effort over traits (e.g., “You worked so hard on this” vs. “You’re so smart”).
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Call out assumptions gently: “I used to think that too, but then I learned…”
6. Are there cultural differences in admiration vs. assumption?
Absolutely. Some cultures value indirect communication (where assumptions are more common), while others prioritize explicit praise. The key is adaptability—use admiration to bridge gaps.
7. Can assumptions ever be helpful?
Rarely, in urgent situations (e.g., assuming a growling dog is dangerous). But in relationships and personal growth, they’re usually barriers.
Interactive Element: Quiz – “Do You Assume or Admire?”
(Embeddable quiz idea to engage readers. Example questions:)
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When someone cancels plans, your first thought is:
a) “They must not want to see me.”
b) “I hope everything’s okay—I’ll check in.” -
Your coworker gets a promotion. You think:
a) “They probably just schmoozed the boss.”
b) “They’ve put in a lot of effort—good for them!”
Result key:
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Mostly A’s: Time to practice the “5-Second Admiration Rule”!
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Mostly B’s: You’re already fostering positive connections—keep going!
